Maria's Story: "Negotiation Works to Get You What You Want"
“What I liked about this class is you get to understand that life is not about black and white. That’s how I used to be: I’d cut conversations short and not give negotiation a chance. I used to think negotiation is a weakness…but actually, negotiation works to get you what you want or at least something that’s near what you want.”
This is Maria’s key take-away from the Negotiation Works classes she took in September 2020, when the pandemic was raging and she was living in a transitional housing program. We caught up with Maria nearly 18 months later to see how she was faring.
Maria spoke with Negotiation Works volunteer Susan Borke from her new transitional housing unit, with her one-year-old daughter at her side. She shared three recent examples of how she used the negotiation strategies she learned as she built a healthier environment for her daughter and improved important relationships in her life.
SECURING A BETTER HOUSING UNIT
Careful and thoughtful preparation helped Maria secure a larger and more habitable unit for herself and her child. When she complained to staff in the supported housing program where she lived that her unit was infested with roaches, the staff’s initial response was to send in a pest control company and assert that no other units were available. Maria, however, remained persistent. The environment was not healthy for her baby, and Maria knew that her own distress over the ongoing situation was not good for her sense of security or well-being. It took Maria a bit of time to achieve her goal, but, she says, “with negotiation, I made it possible.” She planned out her negotiating steps: she gathered photos and videos as evidence and crafted bullet points outlining her main arguments. Maria then sat down with her case manager and the supervisor, feeling prepared to advocate for her needs. Her steady persistence paid off; the staff provided Maria and her daughter with a new, larger unit. Maria reflects, “I was confident that with all the preparation I had to do for myself and for them, I was going to get a positive result. And I did!”
AVOIDING A COURT HEARING
Maria used negotiation strategies to avoid a potentially contentious court battle with her child’s father. She wanted to establish his paternity so she could secure her daughter’s rights with respect to her father. When he suggested to Maria that he might contest a paternity action, she used the concept of BATNA (the “Best Alternative To a Negotiation Agreement”) to persuade him otherwise. She pointed out that going to court (their “BATNA”, or what they would do if they couldn’t otherwise negotiate a solution) wouldn’t serve either of them well, as it would cost them both an unnecessary amount of time and money. Instead, she offered an option that would be better for them both: if he would voluntarily agree to take a paternity test, she would split the cost of the DNA test with him. This option, Maria explained, allowed them to “leave emotions and conflict behind and focus on what would be practical for us both.” He readily accepted this proposal. His paternity has now been established, and the next step will be to change the child’s birth certificate.
Maria recognizes that she and the child’s father will continue navigating their relationship with respect to their daughter, and hopefully, as they move forward, they will build on the success of this paternity negotiation.
STRENGTHENING FAMILIAL BONDS
Maria has not always had an easy relationship with her mother. Whenever they had conflicts, Maria’s go-to response was to shut down and avoid communicating, sometimes for months on end. Recently, she decided to try a different tack. Drawing on what she learned from the Negotiation Works course, Maria explains, “I forced myself to put myself in her shoes so I could understand her perspective on the conflict we have.” The results? Maria felt more confident to speak openly with her mother and to be direct in sharing her concerns. “[My mother] was impressed that I was able to tackle conflicts in a more rational way…she approached the situation rationally when I approached it rationally…and it felt like I sat down with her as an adult.” Part of what made this connection easier, Maria believes, comes from her becoming a parent herself. She now finds it easier to understand her mother’s perspectives and to appreciate that her mother’s views are well-intentioned.
Maria ended the conversation by stating that when the Negotiation Works class was offered to her, she took the class seriously and enjoyed the experience. By all accounts, she is quite skilled at using negotiation strategies to advocate for her needs and build a healthy and connected life for herself and her child.