Father's Day
By Portia Williams, Negotiation Works Ambassador
NOTE: Portia first shared this story in our Ambassador-led newsletter, and has given permission for it to be reprinted here.
Portia Williams, a Negotiation Works Ambassador, shares the following story about her successful efforts to de-escalate a potentially volatile situation during a family celebration. She concludes the story by analyzing how she utilized negotiation strategies both to maintain the peace at the family event and, just as importantly, to counsel a young man to resolve a problem peacefully.
For the past 5 years I have worked in the community with at-risk youth. I can kind of tell when situations might escalate into violence. Father’s Day was one of those situations. I am also a violence interrupter so when the situation arose, I thought I was the right person to see if I could keep something bad from happening.
My plan was to step in and see if I could prevent things from escalating. I would encourage the parties to sit down and talk things through rather than get violent. The event where this occurred was a cookout with young children and grandparents right there, so it was important to me to prevent any violence.
As a young man and his friends approached the event, I could already tell by his demeanor that he was upset. He had come for a purpose and was pushing past me to get into things with another young man--a family friend--attending the cookout. I could see that I needed to intervene quickly.
Here is how it went down. I won’t use any names, just alphabet letters.
There was a Father’s Day cookout and some young men walked on the porch of the family house just as the family function was about to end. They were looking for a family friend attending the cookout to discuss some money owed to one of them….
Me: “Hello young men, how can I help you? It’s too many of you walking onto this property.”
H: “Hi. I came to talk to B.”
Me: “Okay, as long as it’s not nothing serious because it’s too many of you walking on this porch.”
H: “Aye B! Where is my money?”
B: “I don’t have money for you.”
Me: “Hold up now. You said you were going to talk. You all are yelling, now. I’m going to have to ask you to get off the property.”
H: “Can you please just hear me out?”
Me: “Yes, but not on this property. Can you walk down the street and talk?”
H: “Yes.”
(The conversation continues down the street.)
Me: “Okay, so what’s the problem?”
H: “B stole $600 from me, and I just want my money back. I don’t want problems.”
Me: “I understand why you're upset but there is a time and a place. This is not B’s property. You’re going to have to go to his grandparents’ or parents’ house to resolve your money issues. This household has nothing to do with the money that was stolen so I’m going to need you to remove yourself and your friends.”
H: “I really just need my money.”
Me: “Again, I understand, but you’re going to have to settle your differences with B and his grandparents on their property.”
H: “Thanks for listening, I'll go talk to his grandparents.”
I: “No problem. I understand your frustration, but confrontation is not the answer. You cannot resolve things while you're angry because you will make irrational decisions.”
Throughout this conversation, I used my communication skills by listening to the young man’s problem and clearly communicating with him why he could not solve his issue at our family cookout. First, I reached an agreement to listen to the young man off the porch which moved him away from the young children and grandparents. This was an interest of mine.
Second, by listening to him, I was able to figure out what his interest was. Once I understood his interest, I helped him by providing some reasonable options for getting his money back without violence. Some suggestions I was able to provide were to involve family members of the young man who owed the money and to suggest the money be repaid in installments.
Things had gone well. He and his friends left without any violence. I had helped the young man, who arrived at the event angry and ready to react, to develop a non-violent strategy to solve his issue. The young man had been respectful and understood where I was coming from, and I had explained to him that there were better ways for him to handle the situation.
During the negotiation, it was important that we listened to each other. He left feeling that he had been heard and he was able to agree that he could meet his interests in a different way. We reached an agreement that there was a better way to take care of his problem. Getting others involved, such as family members, could keep this from escalating and could get him his money. By helping him think through options that could help him solve his issue, violence was averted, and the party ended peacefully.