Op-Ed: The World Would Be Better if Everyone Took This Course
Matt Gaetz’s effort to oust Speaker Kevin McCarthy after the temporary spending bill passed has raised and re-raised plenty of questions: Was Mr. Gaetz just pulling a political stunt? How did Speaker McCarthy get himself tied into such a knot? And what happened to the expectation that elected representatives would negotiate with each other to create legislation to solve systemic problems?
The value of negotiation–sitting down and working out differences–seems to be truly lost and sorely missed. As an organization that teaches negotiation skills to help marginalized people in our community, we know the value and need for these skills. Our students use their new negotiation skills to forge new chapters in their lives and handle disputes and conflicts that arise everyday. When one of our students, Charles, said, “The world would be better if everyone took this course,” I realized how much a refresher course might benefit all of us.
While Congressional disputes have far-reaching consequences, too often other disputes are settled not with negotiation tools, but with violence. The results then are, of course, tragic, and reflected in the upsetting uptick in violent crime and specifically gun violence.
Experts agree we must focus on the root causes of the discontent, frustration, and sense of hopelessness often behind violence. Though there are no easy or clear solutions to this complex problem, our experiences suggest one important factor: when individuals possess the tools to work through their disagreements without escalation, peaceful resolutions are possible.
We have witnessed the power of negotiation skills to empower people and lift up marginalized communities. Our students–who include the homeless, women working to move on from domestic violence, individuals coming home after incarceration, and currently incarcerated individuals–become more capable and collaborative problem-solvers, endure fewer protracted conflicts, and reach more satisfactory outcomes as they rebuild their lives.
We could all benefit from a refresher course in negotiation skills in today’s divided times. Even if we’re not working in Congress, political and ideological differences are increasingly siloing us and limiting our ability to truly hear and respect opinions different from our own. The lessons we have learned from our work are instructive. When more of us adopt and internalize these practices, we can build a stronger, safer, more resilient society.
LESSON 1: Negotiation leads to progress
When disputing parties avoid dealing with differences or are always ready for battle, they have little chance of reaching a mutually satisfactory solution and remain stuck, unhappy, with heels dug in. Consider big moments in history – drafting the Constitution, crafting the Paris Climate Agreement, developing the Geneva Conventions – none of these are possible if the parties were unwilling to negotiate. The same is true for more everyday situations, like turf wars, money disagreements, or child visitation issues. Engaging in calm discussions to talk through differences will usually lead, at a minimum, to some forward progress. The same is true for our most entrenched cultural battles today.
Lesson 2: Negotiation requires a mindset for calm and confidence
You must adjust your mindset to work through conflicts and understand that you can’t be rational if you’re angry, scared, or rattled. Breathe. Reflect on what you need and why you deserve it, and then state your case. As Yvette, one of our students, said, “Before this class, I would have fought. Now, I’ve learned how to be calm in tough situations and how to approach others.”
Lesson 3: We must all work to be better listeners
Listening is hard, especially if we think we’re right. Both sides have goals they want to achieve. Make the effort to learn about the other person's goals and viewpoint, and let them know you’ve heard them.
Lesson 4: Start with an optimistic–not adversarial–approach
Search for goals you share. What do you agree on, even in the broadest strokes–-raising secure and healthy children, reaching our collective potentials, harmonious living, peace… Even if you have opposing viewpoints, you can almost always agree on something, and then inch closer to achieving your respective goals. Small progress in small steps can help us reach big agreements.
Lesson 5: Modeling positive negotiation skills has a domino effect
We pass our problem-solving abilities along to family members when they see us handle issues through conversation and negotiation rather than escalation and violence. And the benefits have a ripple effect through neighborhoods and communities. Individuals with strong problem-solving skills and the confidence to use them will better manage daily and ongoing conflicts in the workplace, at home, and with everyone with whom they come in contact. With progress rather than stagnation and solutions rather than battles, everyone benefits from stronger family bonds, more collegial work environments, and community members willing to work through their differences.
Rather than accepting challenges or disagreements as insurmountable or considering aggression–or political spectacles–to address them, we must reduce the tension, talk to one another, and, perhaps, even require a negotiation skills course for everyone. With the confidence and commitment to listen to one another, respect each other’s perspectives, and cooperate, we can collectively sort through differences without escalation and move our communities forward.