How to Negotiate Household Tensions During the COVID-19 Pandemic
Are you experiencing an increase in household disputes now that you are sheltered in place?
1. Deal with tensions by negotiating, not by arguing or making accusations
This is a stressful, chaotic time, and many people are confined to their homes for the foreseeable future. Forced closeness with other household members; the disruption of normal routines; and other stresses, such as job loss or illness, all combine to make household disputes inevitable.
Instead of escalating these disputes further, choose to Negotiate. Negotiating means communicating with another person about a problem or situation to try to work out a solution that is acceptable to both people.
2. Think about everyone’s perspective
Before you negotiate, consider your perspective and concerns and those of the other person, whether it’s your partner, child, sibling, parent, roommate, or an extended family member.
For example, your teenage son might refuse to do his school work remotely or help look after younger siblings. Instead, he insists on spending time with friends outside of the house.
Consider your concerns:
You don’t want your son or anyone in your household to catch the virus. You’re worried that your son will get depressed and fall behind in his school work because remote learning is so hard. Also, you are struggling to juggle childcare, remote work, and household responsibilities, so having your son looking after younger siblings would be a big help.Consider your son’s concerns:
Your son considers spending time with friends to be his top priority. Even though he doesn’t want people to get the virus, he knows that social isolation and social distancing don’t work for him. He finds online classes boring and difficult. He also thinks he should be able to spend his free time how he wants; it’s not fair that he should have to watch his younger siblings.Considering the other person’s perspective, in addition to your own, will help you find common ground and have a more productive conversation. In the example above, you and your son both want everyone in the household (and the community) to stay healthy, and you both recognize that it’s important for your son to feel supported and connected during this stressful time.
3. Come up with possible compromises
Keeping in mind both your concerns and the other person’s concerns, work together to come up with possible compromises. Offer your ideas, ask for theirs, and build off each other’s ideas to come up with a solution that works for both of you.
The pandemic has created a new status quo; don’t feel bound to the rules or routines you and the other person kept before the pandemic. Now is the time for creative, out-of-the-box solutions.
For example, going back to the teenager scenario, since your son cannot safely have face-to-face contact with his friends, you can talk about creative ways for him to “spend time with his friends” – such as having dedicated time and a private space to use social media – while also leaving enough time for him to complete school and household responsibilities.
When presenting a possible compromise to the other person, be sure to highlight how the compromise meets the other person’s needs and concerns. This will make the other person more likely to accept your compromise.
4. Communicate thoughtfully
Try to avoid being in battle mode when you approach negotiations with a household member. You will have to continue living with this person into the foreseeable future, so the goal should be to maintain a positive, respectful relationship as you work through tensions and problems.
Start the conversation by acknowledging that both you and the other person are worried and upset about the pandemic and the effect it has had on your lives. These are tough times for everyone.
Do your best to remain calm and polite throughout your discussion. Show the other person that you are listening by maintaining eye contact, not interrupting, and summarizing the other person’s ideas once they have finished speaking.
Pick the right time to negotiate. If either you or the other person is too tired, stressed, or frustrated, the negotiation will most likely not be productive. These are discussions that require both people to be focused and willing to listen to each other and compromise.
NOTE: Staying physically safe during a negotiation is of the utmost importance. Negotiation might not be appropriate if you have concerns that either you or the other person will lose their temper and become violent.
5. Remain realistic and flexible
Make sure that any plan you make is realistic. In the scenario discussed above, it might not be realistic to expect a stressed, isolated teenager to spend hours each day working on school assignments while also caring for his younger siblings. A more realistic plan could be to carve out certain days or times when he helps out with his siblings.
If you come up with a plan that works for everyone, be sure to remain flexible. The COVID-19 situation is ongoing, and it may cause new household disruptions as it develops. Both you and the other person should agree that your plan might have to change down the road.